Depression. Why we don’t owe anyone an explanation.

Here’s the thing about people with good hearts. They give you excuses when you don’t explain yourself. They accept apologies you don’t give. And you wonder why they’re the most sensitive people. You wonder why they’re the most caring people- Najwazebian

You see, everybody has their own story of struggle kept somewhere deep in their heart. We don’t show it like it’s a physical pain. We don’t owe anyone an explanation why we are depressed.

  • I often get questions from my fellow friends. And it sounds like this ” Is there any particular reason for you to be depressed? “, ” Is Housemenship really hard for you?”, “what make you so depress? you look fine?” etc

Let me share just a fraction of my story that lead to my depression.

( remember, this is just a fraction of my story, i went through so many other things and its confidential exceptional to my psychiatrist herself. )

I have the most wonderful mother that gave birth to me 27 years ago. She lost her own mother at a very young age to cancer and yet she manage to pour all her love to her only two daughters. In year 2007 back when i was in highschool she was diagnosed in HUKM with a benign tumor on her optic nerve. She had one procedure done through the nose. And realized it was a solid tumor. So they couldn’t removed it completely.

As years, passed my parents split up and my father remarried. My mums eyesight became worse. She couldnt do even simple task because she just can see very well despite on glasses.

While my mum was busy with her court cases with my father. Little did she know, her tumor was growing big as ever on her optic nerve. A MRI was done in Hospital Tengku Permaisuri Bainun, Ipoh . She was diagnosed with an Optic Nerve Mengiomas that was pressing on exactly at the optic chiasm. They are rare benign neoplasm.

As noted above, letting the tumor grow was not an option as she would have other risks of paralyze etc. So we decided to go for a surgical that we feared the most. I still remember that day very well. It was a long 10 hours operation. Unfortunately they underestimated the solid tumor and couldn’t save the optic nerve. Seeing my mum skull cracked open by surgeons is truly a heartbreaking moment for any child.

The surgery went well, but they couldn’t remove the tumor 100% completely. She recovered well afterward , but

THAT WAS THE LAST TIME SHE EVER SAW MY FACE

Yes, they could’nt save the nerve. She went complete blind bilaterally. She had hallucinations for the first few months. And it breaks my heart and it shattered to pieces. I miss those day where we used to spend time together shopping and do girl and daughter stuff. Now, she cant even watch cinema. It took me a while to accept and learned how to take care of a disabled person.

It breaks my heart seeing her unable to cope well with her other senses that left. It breaks my heart when she couldn’t find her toothbrush in the washroom, It breaks my heart seeing her walking and getting lost around the house, it breaks my heart seeing her not able to do activities she used to do, it breaks my heart seeing her walk with her stick and still bump into things and people. It breaks my heart that she will never ever witness her two beautiful daughters wedding one day. I wish i could give the world to her. I slowly cry next to her without her knowing because i dont want to make her upset.

Here lies a point that i’m trying to deliver. Depression is not a simple stress. It’s something that has embedded in our very soul and left a deep scar that it goes beyond our mind control and pain threshold. It left you a scar that leads a chemical unbalance in our brain. Thus, leaving us symptoms of depression. Suicide if not treated.

There are people who are smiling out there. But its just their mask they’ve learned years to wear just so that we don’t affect the people around. They are people who were raped, sexually abused, went through domestic violence, bullied in school or workplace, inability to accept failure, marriage failure, lost of loved ones, choosen a career that is forcibly done like prostitution just to support family, stuck in a gambling effect, child of divorced parents, suffering from critical illness, inherit genetic of psychiatric disorders, substance abuse such as alcohol or drugs etc.

These people are fragile. All they need is support to go through the burden they’ve been carrying their whole life.

My advice is, never judge a person by its cover. Never underestimated what they have gone through . Things are never just simple as the ‘STRESS” you think we are going through.

Here’s a song for you loved ones

credits to my favourite band Sleeping At Last.

How rare and beautiful it is to even exist.

Published by MindSolution

an avid reader, a writer and a resident doctor with bipolar

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