He had this love for his bed like no one else does, people used to call him lazy and that he likes to sleep a lot. In reality, he felt like sleeping is the only escape and much easier than death. But even though as much as he loves to sleep, it was never easy to sleep at night.
He has this tendency to wake up in the middle of the night at 2AM for atleast 4 days in a week. He usually couldn’t fall asleep back too somehow. To make it worse at night before bed, he usually will have sudden palpitations. It almost felt like his heart is pounding all the way up to his throat and he gets breathless too sometimes. His hands would shake almost like a tremor. When there’s no one beside, he would sometimes forget to remind himself the breathing technique he learnt to master.
All this contributed to his lack of sleep, which made him even more tired and fatigued. His brain started to felt like a brain fog, unable to think or getting slower. He felt like giving up and felt tired feeling this way.
As usual, he had his regular follow up with his councellor and psychiatrist. It did helped him a little, especially the medications. But you know, it keeps coming back. So he invented a routine for himself, a routine that keeps him occupied and hopefully make him better in time. He did that, for almost 10 years and still counting.
If you could ask him ” How is it like being bipolar “?.
He would say,
” I’m surviving and it’s tough, there are many days i feel like giving up and taking my life. But it has also made me a more empathic, kind and loving person somehow. It changed my perspective of the world and how i intend to live my life. It’s a gift that is beautiful but also has the ugly side of it. I’m still working on myself in many aspects and still learning the meaning of not giving up, because at the end hope is all i got”.