In case you’re having a bad day, it’s not so bad to be different from others after all.

Anyone can relate? You’re not alone.

How did i start making recovery ? 👉

I’d like to share how i found myself a routine that helped me recover and also made me a better human in all aspect.

This routine not only help people who generally wants to become a better version of themselve but also for those who’s suffering from any sort of mental illness.

For those who’s looking for a change but don’t know where to begin, i’m glad to help you here. We all know that change is difficult, but we will all get there starting with small little daily changes.

How to?

🌱Begin your day early before the sunrise, its a golden time for all sunctuary of tranquility and serene. This method was extracted from the best selling book ‘5AM club’ by Robin Sharma. ‘Own your morning, elevate your life’. In his book he taught to begin your day with this 👇

Strengthen your 4 interior empire in the morning : 1- Mindset ( psychology ) 2- Soulset ( spiritually ) 3- Healthset ( physically ) 4- Heartset ( emotionally )

Using the 20/20/20 method,you can spend 20 mins of your first with a little exercise, another 20 with any sort of meditation or prayers followed by anything else you wish to do like writing your goals, ideas etc. He believes that keeping this routine up will have a certain automaticity at the end and will soon gets easier.

🌱The 3 success formula 👉

When you have better awareness of all this in the morning, you’ll make better choices. Hence, better results.

🌱 Fill yourself with self enrichment values. Grab yourself a book, or go for yoga classes, seminar classes in anything you like to learn, spend time with people who have lesser than you, spend time with people who you think benefits you, enroll for courses etc. This step is important, it helps with finding your worthiness within you. And also for those suffering from depression, it helps to occupy your mind.

🌱 Have a habit carrying a journal with you. You can write anything in there it’s your wish. Here’s what i like to do, write your top most values in your journal. For e.g: empathy. If you are already one, set a goal to become better at it.

🌱 Self care, yes this is vital too. I’ve talked in length about this in my previous post. Not only it covers all your spa, beauty saloon etc. Self care also means taking care of your emotionally and mental well being. Though, there’s no harm trying to make yourself prettier with plastic surgeries, treatments etc. Whatever that fullfills your upmost happiness.

🌱I stayed away from toxic people, i only choose to take with me what i’ve learned from them. No resentment or grudge, just pure forgiveness. Yes i am selective when it comes to friendship. I only spend time with people who brings me benefit in any ways. Especially if you are on your journey to recovery, it’s better to stay off radar from them till you are well enough. Remember, be with only that brings the best out of you.

🌱 Social media. This is mentioned well enough in Robin’s Sharma book too. It is good actually if you are spending time on it the right way, in fact people are making fortunes with it nowadays. The only time if i’m on my phone is when i be watching motivational or uplifting videos. I try to stay away from Instagram as much as i can. I admit i do like playing it but sometimes it could do more harm than benefit, if you can relate. Low self esteem, not to mention wasting precious time crafting yourself with more beneficial stuff is the reason why i limit my time with social media.

🌱Substance, this is specifically for those who wish to recover from depression, bipolar or any sort. In this period, you must stop all sort of substance. This include cigarettes, alcohol, weed, and anything else. Know your triggers and list it down.

Good luck and if you ever feel like giving up, remember that every little change and effort counts. Every beautiful ends always have rough roads in the beginning, but find the courage to stay a little longer, don’t give up just yet.

Change for a growth 🌱

“Change is hard at the beginning, messy in the middle and gorgeous at the end.” Robin Sharma

Isn’t it a beautiful quote? It’s a quote to live by if you are looking for a change and something to thrive for.

The quote above was picked among all other beautiful quote shared by the best selling author Robin Sharma who made famous the book” the monk who sold his ferrari “.

If you’re looking for a big change you can try and give his book a read called the ‘5am club’. It gives you an amazing insight of the world we are currently living in and how we can achieve the greatness of the prime genius we all have within.

And if you can relate to this, there’s always a time in everybody’s life where we will experience some sort of fall or failure. As the multibillionaire founder of Alibaba,Jack Ma said in most of his interviews, failing is good. And “If you don’t give up, you still have a chance. Giving up is the greatest failure.”

True, change can be very difficult, but it is necessary for growth. Reality is, change is inevitable. And it’s not about how tough this change is, it’s about how we respond to this change. Hence, the more we are aware of this ,the better choices we make which subsequently leads to a better result.

But i believe if we learn to embrace it and willing to work with it, we will slowly commit. Of course with courage.

I learned that, little changes leads to bigger changes. As i started to slowly assimilate it into my daily routines, i started to realize that i thrive for more in everything i do. Little things that i once neglect, i care enough to make it as best that i can do. And it’s miraculous how this particular changes can elevate our perception towards many things and it can be applied into anything you do. To me, i personally think that being successful means unlocking all aspects in life and be amazing in the greatness you have at the same time uplifting others.

Bottomline is, never be afraid of changes. No matter how small or big it is, always create space for change. Never let fear come between you and the potential you were primed with.

Afterall,

Autism. What do you understand about it?

I’m not a psychiatrist or a psychologist to be talking in depth about this topic. What i wish for is that society would have a better understanding about people who are suffering from it. It could change a lot to these people in terms of job opportunities and many more. There is a certain stigma that society give towards these kind of people. It saddens me actually.

Autism is actually is a lifelong neurodevelopment disorder that manifests with a different characteristic, behaviour and communication skills. You can have a further look into this disorder here at the given link below.

http://www.nasom.org.my/

I have always been fascinated by this family called adamsautism family. You may find them on instagram. They share their love and struggle raising an autistic son. I find it sweet and inspiring that regardless of what happen, they keep moving forward in life and continue to inspire other people and families that are going through the same struggles.

Anyways, this disorder differs in different individual and you can see in both childrens and adult. Some children and adults with ASD are fully able to perform all activities of daily living while others require substantial support to perform basic activities.

Common signs and symptoms are like difficulty in engaging in typical communication and interaction. It’s more challenging for them basically. They also usually does not make eye contact and prefers to be alone. But it all differs in different individual as they have different severity.

Another symptoms are repetitive and characteristic behaviour . They can either be engaging in repetitive movements or being obsessively interest in a particular thing. A break in routine or exposure to loud, overstimulating environments can overwhelm a person with ASD, leading to outbursts of anger, frustration, distress, or sadness. Regardless of what signs and symptoms they have, they must be diagnosed and evaluated by experts.

Our role as society is to always make them feel they are loved and welcome. We can help by breaking the stigma againts mental health disorder.

What does stigma againts autism means?

Let me explain to you, have you ever seen a parent in public holding their screaming and making noises child? What would most of us thought? The first thing that the parent will receive are the dissaproving looks and cold eyes. They will make all sort of assumptions such as ” you don’t know how to control your child”, ” they never discipline their child good enough”, ” look at their parents, no wonder the child behave such ways” etc.

And please do note that people with autism does not have an identifiable characteristic face such as down syndrome. They also do not necessarily need to be on a wheelchair or walking with cane to prove their dissability.

Another fact i’d like to share is that people with autism can also have depression and anxities. You may don’t often here this, because autism person usually have difficulty to express their feelings. So can you just imagine what they are going through?

Bottomline is, we are unique individuals that are created in our own ways. It would be wonderful if most of us would educate ourselves a little to help others in need. They don’t ask much, but just our little kindness. 🙂

I wouldn’t change you for the world, but i would change the world for you

Poetry #2 I’m falling to pieces Disclaimer: TW TRIGGER WARNING.

When this place no longer feels like home,
You stayed up wondering if its today or tomorrow,
Nights become longer and desolate,
The fallen angel once met and said,
” Let me take you to the night where their eyes are filled with tears”,
Can you hear me screaming an inside voice said?,
” I shut out all the lights i build all these years”,
Tears that were once fine clear water petals are now nothing but diamonds,
She said ” it’s too cold outside but i’ll try to swim to stay afloat”,
“But from where you’re standing you can see my dreams slowly dies”,
I just wanna hear you say lets go to a place that we both dreamed of peace,
Drinking petals from the crystal water overflowing the bed of forest,
Then the midnight blue sky passed a serenity that i’ve been longing to feel,
Like a red carpet unfold so perfectly and a set path that tells lies like a bittersweet drug,
” Dear I saw weary eyes with black long robes staring at a white pale lips”,
A soft whisper heard somewhere then said,
” Those are the purest hearts and you bleed their tears”,
No notion was meant to love at halve nor intend to leave,
Just a place to hide where all pain is numbed and heart made of glass and stones,
Come back, come back, please come back,
Bruises would start to heal , so shall thou,
Because that’s what love can do.

QUOTE
” “suicide doesn’t end the pain, it just passes it on to someone else” .















My story

I think its a little unfair of me keeping my struggles private while here i am talking about depression etc. Today I’d like to share exactly what i’ve been through and why i felt like i was carrying a world on my shoulder.

I haven’t been able to express my feelings and thoughts all this while as I’ve always fear what people might think of me. You will only understand the meaning of struggle when you experience it first hand. And you just know that you have reached the end line of your strength you’ve been building up all these years.

I have few dear friends that has been telling me that i’ve always been too hard on myself and that i’ve always put a certain expectation beyond what i can take. She said ” there’s only so much a person can take, and this is you ”

I didn’t realize it was a struggle till every tear drops brought a certain pain in my heart that i can’t seem to put it into words. So here it goes, im sorry if this post is a little too long.

I wasn’t born in a rich or wealthy family. In fact i was from an average working family, but we do often have financial problems at times. I guess every family has this problem too. My parents are divorced and my father remarried.

I witness my mother struggle to keep herself surviving without my father financially while slowly loosing her eyesight to her optic nerve tumour that was gradually growing on her optic chiasm.

But before all that happened, i’ve already felt a little too broken by an incident that took place during my schooling days. On my way home from school, a stranger ran towards me and grab my breast. He molested me. And i was left shocked. I was 15 that time. It all happend too quick and it left a tiny scar that i think became the very derivative of all pain of my journey ahead in life.

To be honest, i was still sad and upset that my family were broken apart. Back then it was only me my sister. We only had each other. Every struggle we went through, we shared our tears together. I can’t even remember when was the last time i had a nice dinner with my parents n sister together. It broke my heart. That’s how i slowly hated any family gatherings and even raya too. I still remember a time where it was raya time and we were so broke that me, my mother and sister didn’t had any money to celebrate. We even had to count the coins we had left to buy us food. You only know the true meaning of life when you are left with nothing.

Anyways as time passed, i went through a break up from my first long term relationship. We both studied together in med school back then in Russia. We were so closed that time to the extend i considered him as my own family. I guess from what i’ve been through, i was searching for happiness and love through someone. That was my first mistake. I didn’t handle the break up very well. I went into a full blown manic and started to abuse myself on substances just to get through another day.

I even would find myself in the following years letting men take advantage over my heart and body. I spent weekends over places that i shouldn’t be. Slowly without realizing i’ve let depression into my home.

It really hit me rock bottom when i received news from my mums surgeon saying that they couldn’t save the nerve and she’d be at risk of losing her eyesight forever post surgery. So that’s what happened,she became permanently blind and that was the last time she ever saw my face. Her daughter. I hid my feelings from everyone on how devastated i was everytime i see her walk and get lost around the house. I used to even cry quietly next to her because it was too painful to see her that way. She used to be my bestfriend. We would go shopping, get our hair done, watch movies together and all of other things. And that was the last time we could ever do things as such.

My father wasn’t always in Malaysia to help around at that moment. I went through many ups and downs with my sister that we both somehow knew our lives are always filled with unfortunate events. But we always had each others back no matter what.But things weren’t always that way. We had our fight moments too. But not like any other siblings would have. Ours are much more serious. We both had our own ways in adapting and handling our family issues. That brought us to too many arguments. But despite our fights, deep down we do love each other so much after all that we went through.

There was a time after i graduated we had family financial issues to the extend we couldn’t pay the maid to stay and take care of our mother while we were out for work. Back then my sister was in her last posting in Emergency Department A&E. At that moment she was married to an abusive husband that i don’t even wish to call as my brother in law. I watched her cried most of the time and see her body covered with bruises each time. My mum would just sit there helplessly. There are even times when she even got admitted to the hospital with concussions after a huge fight with her ex husband. Yes, they have divorced not long ago. Finally. She deserves someone so much better.

So as I’ve mentioned above. We had financial issues. I decided to work in a chinese pub serving men because it was the only fastest way. In the morning i will be working in a clinic and continue to work till late night around 3am. While my friends were all travelling the world before starting their housemenship, here i was working day and night. I did this for almost a year. It broke me. It really did. I cried most of the days till there were no more tears left. My feet were exhausted by the heels i wore and walked every other of those dreary nights. It made me felt less of a women each day to be honest. But i did what i had to do, is to help my family when they are in need.

I was lonely that time, felt like life was constantly throwing hard rocks at my face. I became so numbed at pain i could even hurt myself without feeling any emotions. The thing i hated the most was shifting houses. I would go around carrying my luggage from my original house where i grew up, to my mums husbands house, then to my dads house, to my friends house it goes on. I’m tired living like this. My close friends that knows me very well, knows that its always been hard to catch up with me as i’m always on the move. I slowly lost countless of friends that i thought were closed to me. I learned that i couldn’t keep friends as they can’t seem to fit in the life i’m living in.

I began my journey as a housemen not long after that. I was excited, i thought finally practicing as a doctor would change my life forever. That things would get better.

I was wrong,

I had less time to spend with my mum and realized I’ve been neglecting life. I couldn’t balance things the right way at that time. And you know whats worse?. I did not know i had bipolar disorder back then. I knew i had depression but it didn’t even click me that i was bipolar. So my symptoms was starting to show up. As time passed when i was given a long mc break i almost lost my job and eventually i did as due to the new contract system for residency or housemenship in malaysia that i wasn’t aware of.

My heart broke and shattered into pieces. Only god knows how much i struggled to make a come back to complete my Obstetric and Gyneacology posting at that time. The day i tender my resignation i cried till there were no more tears left. I lied in bed whole day thinking what am i supposed to do with my life now. What’s worse is that, there were some friends that didn’t bother to call and asked how am i doing. I got more depressed. I was thinking of suicide the whole time. But thanks to few angels that was sent to me, you know who you are. I was saved, i was given a second chance to rebuild my life.

I was started on medications as i’ve had admissions following few relapses. I’m not sure how to put this. Being on a road to recovery is not the sweetest thing ever. It sounds motivating doesn’t it. ? There are times i would have tremors that i can’t even handle myself feeding soup with a spoon. I would feel drowsy most of the time that i have to be kept in tight schedule.

I really want to start practice again as a doctor. I would need to pass for a Medical Review Panel evaluation before i apply back my training in housemenship. Its a challenge i’m willing to take. I would need to be fully recovered to be fit to work back in the hospital. But i do feel like giving up sometimes. The struggle is real.

I still cry sometimes but much lesser nowdays. This blog has brought me closer to so much people that are sharing the same wave with me. I am so happy that some are emailing me sharing stories of their own. Listening to other peoples struggle is the REAL EYE OPENER. I hope everybody take this moment or chance to reflect what we have and that we should be grateful for every single challenge life has shown us. Because every difficult path teaches us the most valueable lesson that money cant buy.

Start loving your struggles.

Maybe the day is too cold and the wind is too harsh that your bare body touches the cold on an empty street highways under the moonlit skies,

Maybe your day dream has been a little too long that you felt you have given your all,

Maybe your feet are tired and sore but your children are under the safest warmth of your protection,

Maybe you have fall and bruised again this time and your body covered with painful patterns crafted by men you thought promised and swore an oath to protect you againts all odds,

Maybe you wished all your pain could go away and the angels could lift your misery and suffer and that god would finally bring you miracle and cure all your inner disease,

Maybe the silence of the world that you were born with or the silence of your own voice makes you feel so little,

Maybe right now you don’t wish to be who you and the daily battle bullying is slowly swallowing your very soul to even be alive,

Maybe the reflection of what you see in the mirror everyday is not what you think would make you the beautiful person you are,

Maybe you feel like you’re walking out of time in the middle of trying to find a better place,

Maybe the home you come back doesn't feel like how it used to be where all the laughter and cheer has gone and passed by,
Maybe the sharp edge of the razor finally feels numb on your skin surface that no pain in this world can take all the suffer away anymore,
Maybe the loved he gave was never meant or never was to fill the very beautiful chambers of your heart,

Maybe you thought days would finally bring the tears away, but memories of the smile and warmth hug of your lost ones will never die,

Maybe you feel a little lost and locking yourself in the bathroom always feels like a safer place,

Maybe the endless long nights and selling love to every other strange men made you feel less of a woman each day just enough to pay another day in life,

Maybe you feel like your body is crumbling each day and you are hopelessly praying that god is saving you from your old toxic life,

But remember this, 🙂

” The lotus flower blooms most beautifully from the deepest and thickest mud. ”

Poetry #1 Title: Hope

“Let us dance in the sun, wearing wild flowers in our hair…” 

How do i bloom oh beautiful flower?
My seed plants deep down between a sea of tall hays,
If only i get a little taller till May bring the flowers,
I would bloom so succulent as the wind come as may.

They say kindness is the seed of happiness,
But a flower cannot grow without a sunshine, like men cannot live without love,
Petals shred but thorns outgrown the stems in winter,
It hurts to be touch but the scent grew was melancholic.

They also say grace is just weakness,
And beauty is a short realm,
To be grown is to be nutured with the warmth of the sun,
And hope is that little gem of bouquet.

Thorns grew againts all season like a hardened shell,
That even winter cannot break it apart,
And hope is just a mere of happiness,
But where flowers bloom, so does hope.




I’m ugly, I’m not pretty enough, I’m fat, I’m skinny. I’m depressed!

My last post for this month is going to be a little different from my other previous posts. It’s a special post that i’d like to dedicate to all the beautiful and strong women out there. I’m also writing on behalf of the women that are in our depression facebook page in malaysia that are constantly bullied for their looks their whole life. Thanks for being very brave sharing and putting your world out there.

Why i choose this topic?. As a women myself, i believe all women should be treated right and with much love they deserve in this world irregardless of how they look like or where they came from. Some of us are created weak and some of us are just strong in our different ways. Not every women can stand up for themselves you see. Looks are always often our major objective in life. To be beautiful means to be that particular look that you always picture yourself to be. We’ll do whatever it takes to be beautiful. Beauty hurts doesn’t it?

We live in a world where there is a fine line that cuts the meaning of being beautiful. But if you ask me this question, what is really the meaning of beautiful? There are plenty of blogs out there that teaches you millions of beauty tips, but none will ever tell you how beautiful your imperfect flaws are.

Beauty has no certain or specific kind of look

I live with this saying ” beauty has no certain or specific kind of look”. I’m not going to tell you that you are beautiful no matter what you look like, its cliche and everybody says it. Beautiful to me is not something physical. It’s a self acceptance.

You can spend million of dollars on plastic surgery or beauty make overs. But if you don’t master in your self acceptance you can never be satisfied with how you look. We are imperfect creatures that will never be satisfied with what we have unfortunately.

True meaning of self care

What is an actual self care means? It means spa message, salts baths, manicures, going on shopping spree, and all those pampering things isn’t it?. What if i told you that self care is a broad spectrum term that actually means something bigger than just the idea that we picked up from the usual magazines and books we read?. You see, we are living in a world where the trend demonstrating about self care as something or an action we must take in order to take our mind of the problem at a short period of time.

This trend being demonstrated isn’t an accurate depiction of what self-care really is. Self care actually means an action by a person to preserve or improve one’s own health. It is something personal and has different approach in different people. There are six types of self care that i’m pretty sure everyone has heard of. Its our emotional, physical, practical, mental, social and spiritual self care.

These are the six self care that we must work on with your own rhytm. But this doesn’t mean that all that spa message, bath salts, and shopping isn’t a part of self care. It is also a apart of self care no matter how you would like to think of it as. The term self care itself can be found in almost anything!. For an instance, proper meditation and breathing techniques would help manage your anxieties. Or exercising helps in improve our physical and mental health. In few words self care basically means the key for living a balance life.

Self-care is not selfish. You must fill your own cup before you can pour into others.

Make a habit on checking how full your cup really is. You might be surprised by how low your reserves have gotten. And so before we go on another day putting the needs of everyone else before our own, we should always remind ourselves to put on our oxygen mask first before we help those around us.

After all, you can’t pour from an empty cup, so if we want to be the best version of ourselves who is a whole person, mother, partner, friend, daughter, business-minded, ambitious, engaging, smart… we must learn to fill our own wells first.

Now that we have understand the basic of self acceptance and self care. Why don’t we go deeper into what kind of depression that women all over the world are most likely to get? I’ll be covering this topic in my next post. Meanwhile, thank you my dear readers for the time you spent reading my little piece. I appreciate it very much.

Living with Bipolar disorder. How it affects creativity and science?

This painting above is familiar isn’t it for most of you?. It is actually a painting made famous by a painter name Vincent Van Gogh. If you are not familiar with him, he has produced the most celebrated and influenced paintings of all time. What people don’t know behind all that successful painting is that, he suffered from manic depressive disorder or also known as bipolar disorder now.

This other side of this Europe creative icon has a dark story to it. He has been combating various episodes of psychotic,mania and depression which eventually claimed his life in 1890. What does bipolar disorder has to do with creativity?

Well not all people with bipolar disorder are creative, and not all creative people have bipolar disorder. However, there does appear to be a connection between the genes that lead to bipolar disorder and a person’s creativity. I can name a few famous political figures, poets, song writers, painters and so on that suffered from manic depression like Kurt Cobain, Winston Churchill, Vincent Van Gogh himself, Mariah Carey and many more.

I never truly understand myself growing up untill i was actually diagnosed with it. People who knew me since school have seen how much i love artistic things. I loved to paint, sketch or indulge myself in anything that i can build like potteries. Many people don’t know that i grew up wanting to become an architect. I write with my left hand but do activities like play sports with right hand. I always find myself strange and unique than other people.

There are times i would just like to be alone and find myself having racing thoughts, ideas and heightened optimism but not sure where to channel all this energy to unlike all our famous figures i’ve mentioned above.

I always asked my dad if he could send me to art or music classes, because i knew i had thing passion in me and i had to channel it somewhere. And because i didn’t had the opportunity of going for such classes due to financial issues and also because my dad wants me to be in a science stream, i found myself getting more frustrated over the years with my drawing skills. I tried really hard to become good in it and even took extra subject in arts for my SPM exam and scored an A plus for it too. I was good but wasn’t great in painting and sketching. I guess i’ve always put high expectation on myself and that slowly was a sign of my destruction.

I eventually left my dream and also because i think life had a bigger plan for me, i choosed to be a doctor. So i went to medical school instead of architecture school. I left everything i loved to do and found myself haven’t been painting or sketching anything for many many years because i was too occupied with studying.

There was this thing in me that was bothering me so much i had to channel it somewhere like trying to be good in sports, playing guitar, table tennis and many more hobbies i opted. But also found myself back to the same frustration and disapointment. That moment i realized how frequent i was with feeling this way and i wonder why. Sometimes it could be so severe that i feel so useless and went into full blown depression episode.

Over the years after so many bad mistakes and choices that i made because of this disorder, i finally felt relieved after a diagnosis. I understand myself better now and how to manage the episodes. And if you are familiar with bipolar disorder graphs whether it’s Type 1 or 2, or unipolar and cyclothymic, its a real struggle i must say. Imagine experience episodes of mania to depression. I’m sure those who are suffering can relate and how much it could messed up our brain. If left untreated it could lead to suicides. I personally have self harmed and have suicidal thoughts in the past because i didn’t know what to do or how to balance it out.

Now that im supposed to complete my training as a junior doctor in order to get a licensed working in Malaysia, I have people telling me that i should just find a more subtle job other than this medical field as it requires both mental and physical preparation. That it’ll only make my disorder worse. But you see, i decided not to quit. I spent 6 years of my life studying medicine and i truly believe that God has bigger plans for me. I believe going through this phase of life is important in shaping who i meant to be in the future. So I CHOOSE to think it in a POSITIVE way and i hope it continues that way untill i succeed.

Irregardless of what type of bipolar disorder you may have, i’m sure everybody has their own up and downs. But if you really make full use of your disorder, you never know you might achieve or unlock something in your life. But whatever it may takes, always get help.

Here’s a youtube video if you would like to know in depth about creativity in bipolar disorder