An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness

An Unquiet Mind, A Memoir of Moods and Madness book by Kay Redfield Jamision. An academic professor that suffers from bipolar herself that lead and inspired her to do a research on mental illness. I heard some very good reviews for this book that i had to write and blog about it and probably get one for myself soon. For those who are suffering from Bipolar disorder or Manic Depressive Disorder and you want a better understanding about it,you may consider to purchase this book.

youtube video credits to climbthestack

I had a conversation with my psychiatrist today Dr Elinda and how much we covered about Bipolar disorder topic. While being a patient myself, i’m glad that me and my doctor could reach to a better understanding about this disorder and how it could help me to recover . I could relate to Kay Jamison as she comes from a healthcare proffesional background and what drove her to make a research on her own for the better of others and herself. I truly understand what she went through.

You see, i’ve always grown up thinking that i’m different somehow. I always have different ideas, thoughts and perspective towards certain things. I thought it was normal. As i grew older, the signs become clearer and i didn’t realize it was a huge problem to me when it started to affect my career. I’m sure those who are suffering from manic depressive disorder could relate to this. But those who has no idea of what is Bipolar disorder, you may click at the link given below.

https://www.dbsalliance.org/education/bipolar-disorder/diagnosis/?gclid=CjwKCAjwmtDpBRAQEiwAC6lm4_BLADVwNV0ffpZPMLH0bd80r53DG-KFKmigbSZ3SfghWDWyTXHhFxoC0QYQAvD_BwE

Since i’m sharing my thoughts and view of this disorder. I must share something personal and why is it important for me to share about it. Well, in the past we all have done some bad mistakes and choices. I abused myself with taking ‘substances’ to overcome my depression. It became worse when i started realize how dependant i became to it. Not only that, i let myself taken advantage and went through all sorts of horrible things that was quietly making my depression worse. But now i have quit for good and decided to choose a path to a complete recovery.

Why do you think its important for me to share about this information that i consider confidential? The answer is simple, it’s because for a person that suffers from Bipolar disorder, it is crucial for you to understand what are your triggers of manic and depressive episodes.

I have friends telling me how ‘EXTRA’ i can be or how ‘OPTIMISTIC’, that i can react or think in a certain way at that moment. I will experience extreme mania highs on substance that is why i quit for good. At times, it could be a good thing though, i’ll become so optimistic and my thoughts rush with ideas that i had to write everything down. I will experience racing speech, racing thoughts and flights of ideas. And if i fail to control, i can easily switch and fall into depression. I get frustrated if i don’t achieve my goals in things that was motivating me. My psychiatrist said that its easily mistaken with major depressive disorder where you are acknowledge of what to do so you force yourself to do things that can motivate you to that level. But, sometimes a person with bipolar disorder can also be in their manic phase by themselves. I’m glad that i managed to recognize my trigger.

I also suffered the almost deadly depression phase where it lead me to few admission to hospital. Now that i’m on medication and proper treatment, i managed to control my swings and episode much better than before. I learned that mind is something that only we can control. My advice is, to keep studying and doing research about yourself. The more you know, the more its easier for your to manage those episode next time. I can write so much more about this disorder, but my post is getting a little bit too long. What i can conclude here is that, despite the treatments and therapy that we’ve being told to comply with, never forget your knowledge about yourselve is bigger than you think on your road to recovery.

Chapter 3: Depression, Housemenship and Relationship.

The story of a journey becoming a doctor. Housemenship is the most difficult phase of life in any doctor who’s planning to stay and work in Malaysia. Its tough i must say, been there. You are required to work a minimum of 65 hours a week which includes shift duties and on calls. Some has to even work up to 80 hours weekly. It’s physically exhausting and mentally wrenching. My point here is that you have to be mentally and physically prepared for whats coming. You don’t even have time for family and friends. But do not quit.

I have to be honest here, i’m still heartbroken from resigning. But i’m more determined this time to complete my recovery and resume back my housemenship training. For whatever things or struggle i went through, there has to be a reason why it happend. So this time, i decided to put my career first even if it takes to sacrifice certain things.

Some even have told me that this job doesn’t suit me. It’ll only make my depression worse. They told me i should put my health first. But you know, i am not giving up this easily. One thing i’ve learned about myself is that, challenges makes me stronger. The more i fall, the more i want to succeed in what i do. I guess its kinda my OCD aswell. I also discovered what i really want in life. I want to help others. It’s a relieving feeling that i have never felt before. I wouldn’t have discovered this blog if i were still doing my housemenship.

Relationship wise, i guess its just the fear of getting my heart broken again. Plus religion is another issue. I’m sure you can relate to this if you ever been in a mix relationship. My partner is chinese and we were facing difficulties as any other mix couples do. Its funny how love can bring two different people from different background and culture.

Sometimes i do feel like he deserves to move on without me. For all the things he have done and the things we went through. I just don’t want to see him heartbroken. He deserves a woman so much better than me. If you are reading this, just want you to know that no matter what happens if we are meant to be with each other or not, you will always have a special place in my heart. Letting go something so rare is really hard you know. Thank you for the world you gave me. Thank you for always been there for me. I believe in fate, good things will always come back to you if they are meant for you.

Walk-a hunt, Walk for Depression Awareness Event by SJ Care Warriors

First of all, I would like to congratulate SJ Care Warriors for a successful event held today on July 14th 2019 that was taken placed in Taipan. This event was organized by our beloved YB Michelle Ng Mei Sze from ADUN Subang Jaya, and together with the community leaders, the event was held to raise awareness and de-stigmatize depression.

If you are not aware, SJ Care Warriors was founded by YB Michelle Ng Mei Sze as an initiative to create awareness for depression. She recently mentioned that in a press “There is a need to build resilience, a resilient community”.

Many Non governmental organizations that are related to mental health such as MIASA, Malaysian Society of Clinical Psychology and Befrienders were there to spread awareness. The event was successfully attended by different age of groups represented by both elderly and youth. They began at 8am with a treasure hunt related to mental health and ended at 11am.

As i mentioned in my previous post, there are about 800,000 people die by suicide each year according to WHO. That means a single life in every 40 seconds. ” YB Michelle Ng mentioned that the statistics in 1996 according to national morbidity survey, we have 10% people were suffering from mental ilness and 30% in 2015. That means 3 in 10 people are suffering from mental ilness”.

There were also a team of experts with psychology and counselling background whose role is to provide and to tackle the issues of mental health. I believe events like this would reach out more to Malaysians and reduce the statistics of people suffering from mental ilness in the future.

Lastly, i would like to say how glad i am that more attention are given to Mental Health in Malaysia. It is growing and it will continue to create the awareness that could save even a single life in Malaysia. I really hope this message could reach specifically to the youth in conjunctions of many suicidal events that occured recently. Remember, we are all in this. We have each others back. Save a life 🙂

The Enigma of self injury. I did it again. DISCLAIMER: TW-TRIGGER WARNING

This chapter is more like a diary rather like an article. I want to show you what real depressed person goes through daily. Real experiences and reasons of doing it.

10/7/2019. I had a bad day today. Tomorrow is supposedly the day i tender my proper resignation. On top of that i got involved into an accident I ran and broke someone’s side mirror and had to pay her RM1250. My relationship with my boyfriend is not going great either.He thinks that i dont love him as much as before. All i wanted was some space to completely recover and focus on my career. Besides that, my mum has been crying a river wishing that she could be independant on her own, that she feels like she’s burdening everyone around her including her husband. Oh, did i tell you in my previous post. My mum had optic nerve meningioma. Had surgery through her skull to removed it. She survived the surgery but she’s completely bilaterally blind. And my parents are divorced. So, im pretty much crushed from all this.

A lot has happend recently with me getting warded in PSY Hospital Selayang. Its a lot to take in at once. Almost going broke and almost going back to work where i worked before before my housemenship placement. I didnt want to go through that path again, not now. Not while i’m on medications.

My impulses were strong. I can felt it coming. My eyes glared around hoping to look for a sharp object . A needle was just right infront of my eyes. I took it and slit my wrist. But this time it was not so deep as the needle wasn’t sharp enough. I know . I failed. I relapsed again. I cried an ocean but this time i manage to control my emotions. I guess its from the Epilim im taking.

You are wondering why i did that arent you? You may ask the same question to everyone all over the world who’s suffering from mental ilnesses or just by being sad. The answer is always unexplainable. You can only understand if you go through it yourself.

Self-harm is when somebody intentionally damages or injures their body.It’s usually a way of coping with or expressing overwhelming emotional distress. ( A simple definition ).

I thought i recovered but apparently im not. Tomorrow is a big day for me. Whatever happens i hope its for the best.

How to talk yourself out of a suicidal thought?

Have you ever feel like your world is drowning dragging you along with it and that there’s no way out but to just give up?

SUICIDAL THOUGHTS ARE COMMON in people with mental health ilness. You may not understand why they have such thoughts. But one simple step could lead them to just strike their death.

Here’s how i learned to talked myself way out. My own personal experience.

Step1 – Call for immediate help. Just tell them you are having suicidal thoughts. Grab your phone to call befrienders while help arrives.

Step 2 -Think of all your protective factor. E.g: Religion aspects, family and friends, childrens, future that you havent foresee yet.

Step 3: Take a deep breath, inhale and exhale. Your mind is too shallow to think at this crucial moment. Proper breathing techniques helps you to relieve a little.

Step 4: Do not ever turn your head and look around for something that harm you. A suicidal person usually are most creative at their moment of suicidal. Just dont look around and start thinking more things. Train your mind to not go overboard in thinking.

Step 4: Distract your mind! Think of your goals your would like to achieve. If you dont have one. Its crucial for you to think of one now. Its okay. It takes time for us to find what we are meant to do in life. So do i before i started this blog. Remember, rainbows only comes after a big storm.

Step 5: This one i reckon you to prepare for yourself. I have a habit of carrying around essential oils that relieves depression. Research shows that essential oils names Bergamot and Lavendar oil proved to relieve depression.

Tips: Take a small container. Soak a little piece of cloth with your essential oil. And always close the lid and place in in your bag.

Remember these 5 steps.

Chapter 2.My honest experience in a psychiatric ward. Expectations vs Reality.

Light- by sleeping at last
I promise I’ll do better.
I will always hold you close,
But I will learn to let you go.
I promise I’ll do better.


Scared? I was too. The stigma in our society that has brought mental ilness seems like everything sounds like its a bunch of crazy people.I was wrong. It was the exact help that i needed. Its good to reach out for medical help for yourselve or loved ones before its too late.

On 2/6/19 i had my relapses during my working hours in Hospital Serdang ward 7B. I’ve self harmed before help came. Thats when they decided to warded me to get the right diagnose and optimize my medications.

I was SCARED. i was TERRIFIED, i was ALONE, i was going nuts trying to escape this admission.

But what i’ve saw, learned and hear was priceless. My admission was more than a treatment to me. It healed me by meeting these wonderful few people that im about to share about. Each are unique in their own ways. Special in their own personality that does not define by their illness.

The first friend that ever came up to me name M. She has Bipolar Disorder. And she is always in her manic phase. But she was the ward entertainer. The big sister that guards to wards and each other. Oh, and she’s a “Lawyer” in KWSP. When she talks. You would just know she’s real lawyer. She has a very strong personality and she sings well too. She came up to me and said hi and started to introduce each other. I slowly felt welcomed there. I miss you Mairanti. I hope’d you recover soon. 🙂

F was another friend with Borderline Personality Disorder and Bipolar disorder. If you’re not sure what is Borderline Personality Disorder is. Look for it up here at the link below. She went through a lot. A lot is going through her mind everytime i look at her. Her parents arent much of a support to her. Not once they i saw they ever visited her. She wanted me to share at my blog of her imaginary friend of hers name Suraya. She could be nice and bad at time but never appears. She’s still young and has so much potential in her. I really wish the best for her.

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/borderline-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20370237

https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/borderline-personality-disorder/index.shtml

A with autism, she was the special one. Autism is a condition that is characterize a complex neurobehavioral condition that includes impairments in social interaction and developmental language and communication skills combined with rigid, repetitive behaviors. Because of the range of symptoms, this condition is now called autism spectrum disorder (ASD).  She is nothing but a sweet girl that wouldnt harm us all. She just needed the care and love she deserves.

Ale is another friend of mine. She has MDD( major depressive disorder ) and got admitted for ECT also known as electroconvulsive therapy that is being done under anesthesia. It is usually done with patients are not responding well to other treatments. Anyways, according to her its 40th ECT done. I really wish for the best for her. Its very brave for her to go through multiples of ECT. She a bisexual and is opened about it. Regardless of whom she chooses, i hope she finds someone that derserves her .

Kak M. A lady diagnosed with post partum depression. Post partum depression is depression after giving birth. But if you look at her, she wouldnt believe that she’s a mother of 4. She might be small but she had a great multiple journey of pregnancies that she shared with us. She small and strong. Thats what i can describe her. I hope all her problems solved and she gets better and return to the arms of her childrens,

S with bipolar disorder. I called her mami in the ward. She reminds me of my mother so much. She always teaches me mandarin in while i was in the ward. It’s very heartbreaking for me to see no one came and visit her . Not even her husband and childrens nor friends. She teared and i comfort her saying that i’ll always be there for her. She worked hard all her years and i can even see a varicose veins on both leg. She’s suffering . I wish her nothing but health and happiness. I truly miss her smile she always gave me.

But my last person or a person that i couldve been a big sister to was this one girl. A 15 years old girl admitted right before i was discharged. It broke my heart and brought me to tears when i heard her sister told me that she has attempted to jump of a building. She looks scared. I wish her nothing for a brighter future or whatever reasons that lead her to this situation. Before i was discharged, i just gave them a comfort words that things will get better in time. All she needs is just a good support system.

Here lies a point. These are normal people who went through a lot of pain in their life that lead them to this condition. They are not crazy. They are not nuts. All they want is just to recover and carry on with a normal life. So please, do not neglect or bully these kind of people when you meet one. Remember they are humans too.

Chapter 1: My progress to a complete recovery.

I’d like to share my progress in recovery in MDD. Well, theres been up and downs. But what ive learned was so much more in life in this phase. I learned that we help ourselves by helping others. Thats the purpose i created this blog. It is to inspire people not to give up and that there is still hope.

If you’ve been following my posts. I have mentioned that i am a housemen currently working in Serdang Hospital Malaysia. I’ve had Major Depressive Disorder for many years. Housemenship was just the cherry on top of the cake if you know what i mean. In my journey to recovery, i have to be honest. I am still struggling to balance between work , dream and health. I almost at the edge of loosing my career as a doctor.

I have completed my first posting which was Obstetric and Gyneacology. I had a tough time balancing between life and work. But i manage to rise back up and completed it. Im currently in my second posting which is Medical posting. They say its the toughest. So high chances i could be triggered majorly by it.

I was right. I broke down and crashed after my tagging days were over. I was burned out. My symptoms of depression started becoming clearer. I took a long mc break under PSY follow up in my very own hospital where i worked. I’ve met the most wonderful psychiatrist name Dr Elinda. She has helped me a lot.

My three months journey of recovery has been a hell of a ride for me. I was clueless. I didnt know how or what to do. It’s not like a physical pain where you can just take pain killers for that. Its much more complicated when it comes to Mental Ilness.

I spent days of crying and trying to figure out how to recover. I’ve self harmed myself. I took razors a slit my wrist every single time. The satisfaction i felt when i see blood streaming down my arms. You’ll prolly wont understand why i did that. Well, that is the purpose of my blog. When it happend to me, i was alone, i was clueless, i didnt know what to do. I inspire to help others now after i went through this phase.

In my previous post, i have shared that i spent a dreadful night in Hospital Serdang ED after an episode of impulsive and aggressive. Honestly, i dont even know what triggered me. i self harmed myself again but this i tried to jump out the car. My sister was there to save me.

After that 31st May 2019, it finally took me years to find the purpose of life. It changed my life and my perspective view towards the world. Always remember, we fail and we will always rise back up. We wont succeed if we never tested failure. Its the failure that strives us to become a better version of ourselves.

So i had this sudden thought and rush into my mind. I wont let this depression win over me. I am young and have so much things ahead in life. Im so inspired to be like me psychiatrist. If gods will, i will further my studies.

On the other hand, medications has been treating me very well. I am still on high dose Fluxetine or known as Prozac. I finally manage to cope with most of my depression symptoms. What i did was, i studied myself. I found my inner piece that has been long gone.

My sleeping has been better thanks to clonazepam and my wonderful diffuser with essential oils that puts me to sleep every night. Yoga has been a great help for me too. I met more friends along the way of my recovery and i feel blessed. My tremors and panic attacks are way better now. I used to feel cramp all over my body during my attacks and my mind just felt fogged up and i just wanted someone to shut me down or kill me. So thats when i learned the proper way of meditation. Prayers helps too. Ive looked up for inspiring and spiritual books. It was great.

My wish now is to complete my training and help others. Wish me luck loved ones .

Essential Oil . Uses and effects on depression and other Mental Ilnesses.

Before i share the importance of essential oil that i’ve mentioned above. I was actually inspired by a family that runs a business called doTERRA that is used all over the world and keeps growing. They are an autism family advocate and you can follow them on instagram by searching adamautismfamily.

Shall we start with the basic science behind essential oils? I believe that most people has no clue of the power of essential oils in life. Its a life changer for me.

Im still in recovery phase of my anxiety and major depression. I’ve had tried meditation, yoga, exercises, breathing practices and much more other things. One thing i learned is that, we should always try natural alternative ways from benzodiazepines.

First before attempting to buy an essential. Do make sure it is authentic. By means like it is not blended with cheaper oils, or any sort of chemical solvents.

The science of Essential Oil

In this case there’s only two things involved. Our brain and our smell senses.

God is great. We are gifted with smell senses. that are carried as chemical messages via sense receptors and the olfactory nerve to the limbic area of the brain, and particularly to the amygdala and the hippocampus. They have a unique pathway but i dont think its important for you to know.

These are the areas of the brain associated with emotions (fear, happiness, mood, pain, pleasure, and also with memories. (Ruhr University in Bochum, Germany. )

Studies conducted years and years and found that essential oils affects heart rate, stress levels, blood pressure, breathing, and immune function.

The sweet smells have been shown to reduce pain by activating the opioid receptors in the brain.

It’s been found that the molecules in essential oils are small enough to cross the blood-brain barrier.

They, therefore, have a direct impact on areas of the brain that help to control emotions and, as a result, can play an important role in fighting depression.

As for me, by far my most favourite friend during my yoga sessions would be Bergamot and Lemongrass.

Here are some list of essential oils that are commonly used to combat depression

  • bergamot (Citrus bergamia)
  • lavender (Lavandula angustifolia is the best variety for anxiety)
  • ylang-ylang (Cananga odorata)

There are actually a lot more essential oils that you chould choose depending on your condition and preference.

Depression is real . 13 reasons why. Disclaimer: TW. Trigger Warning

“i had all and then most of you, some and now none of you,” that’s such a beautifully written line :^)

I thought i saw the devil in the morning,

Looking at the mirror,

Oh, its just another day i survived,

My past tasted bitter,

So i wield a shield that protected me

I cant find the lights i shut for years

So i put on an invisible mask everytime,

Voices keep finding its way back to you,

I couldnt see the beauty of earth,

So i guess i gotta leave now,

I’d love it very much to be welcome home,

But fate its not in our hands,

Im an open forum filled with broken heart,

Im sure im not the only traveler

Take me back to who i was before

Terror nights leaves us tears

Hiding , wishing someone could save me

Mind walks like an empty street sometimes chaos too

Take me back

Take me back

Take me back

Am i just holding to the ghost of me?

You can’t love someone back to life”

“You can try”

You’ll end up staring at the flares doing nothing

How do i find i trail to follow?

Im tired , fatigued

So, should i still hold on in this terror with my eyes filled with tears.?

Because everytime i open a new window,

I hope for a shred of light

I think we all do.