Love yourself. The secret to Depression recovery. The holy grail. This is not the regular how to help or treat depression. This is the mind power i discovered.

“I am incredibly grateful for you, eventhough it hurt.”

I call this journey a blessing in disguise.

Listen to your inner self, find its way back to who you really are

Learn to love yourself first, instead of loving the idea of other people loving you.

p/s: you can play a song down below before reading 🙂

I speak from the truth, i speak from what i’ve learned, i speak from the wise thoughts that i’ve discovered on this journey and i truly believe this has to be the best realization in my mind.

Those who are reading this, keep carry on with your medications, your meditations, your follow ups, your hopes that keeps you going etc. But bare in mind. We are the doctors to our own mind. A friend, a psychiatrist, a pyschologist is only there to lift you up. The power comes within yourself. In time, you will see things in a different perspective in life.

You’ve handled it in a thousands ways. Now lets focus on you. You are the watcher of the thinker. I think you’ll agree with me when I say, learning how to love yourself isn’t something that happens overnight. It took me many years to realize and feel the effects of not loving myself.

Fall in love with yourself before anyone else. The biggest hater is actually someone you know. It is you. Respect your journey and begin it with loving yourself. Life is a voyage of self discovery.

Love is a deep appreciation. What i meant by this is, an appreciation of yourself. Your qualities, personality, achievements, blessings etc.

Someone loving you rids depression better than any medication ever could. So you enter relationships hoping and praying this might be the right one. You look towards others to save you from yourself but at the same time, that’s a lot to ask of someone . This is not the way.

Im going to make it simple here, your task is to find your inner self. Spend more time getting to know yourself better. In time, you will learn that there are so much qualities in you and potential that you’ve never realized.

1.Set a goal, you might not have a clue right now but believe me it takes times.

2. Self Affirmation. This is your life. You are in control. You control your mind not the other way around. If you realized this, you are in control of your mind. You are activated. Your mind is just a tool.

3. Forget the past. Let bygones be bygones. I know its impossible. Just take the positive parts of it and mold it into a lesson.

4. Live in the moment. There two things you cant control. Its beyond our capability. It is the past and future. Start living your life the fullest as if its your last day.

5. Challenge yourself. In anything actually. If you wish to be good in something. Go for it. Small or big it doesnt matter. You’ll never know you might discovered something that is worth living for.

6. Self care. This is important in your journey to loving yourself. Im not talking about plastic surgeries or any sort of kinds. But if it does help you, go for it. Indulge yourself in things that makes your feel more confident and beautiful. There’s nothing wrong in that. You dont have to tell yourself lies and be denial about the standard we say nowdays is beauty should be natural. If you love make up. Go for it. Embrace it!

7. Keep reading books and quotes to get you inspired.

8. Establish a routine. Go for yoga, or gardening, or classes, or regular exercise, meditating, cleaning the house, make up your bed, anything!

Now that you have loved yourself, be sure to take your medications on time, never default follow ups, spend more time with friends and family. Everything will be alright. Just dont give up shall we.


Mental Ilnesses are not our decision

Just a reminder that mental illnesses are complex and not a decision!

Yesterday, someone left a comment on one of my posts saying that “mental illnesses are a symptom of your thought pattern.” When I told them that mental illnesses aren’t decisions and people don’t control whether they have a mental illness, they said that you can “cure them through your thinking/diet/lifestyle.” Comments like this are exactly why people with mental illness are afraid to speak up about their experiences and seek help. This is why the stigma surrounding mental illness still exists.

Mental illnesses are not a choice.
Mental illnesses are not all in your head.
Mental illnesses cannot be cured by a change in diet, lifestyle, or thinking.

Mental illness is not synonymous with a bad attitude about life. Stop making people with mental illnesses feel shitty about themselves because you lack the empathy to understand their experiences. Mental illnesses are complex and a change in thought, lifestyle, or diet will most likely not f**king cure it.

Clarification: Yes, changing your diet, lifestyle, or thinking can alleviate the symptoms of your mental illness, but it can’t cure it. Most people who say “change your thoughts” do not mean in it a way where it means “go to therapy and do cognitive behavioral therapy.” They usually mean “stop thinking negatively” or something that minimizes the severity and complexity of mental illness. A lot of these comments come from a place of ignorance, which is why it is important that we educate people so they understand that mental illness is complex and not a decision.


Written by Umm Zharfan

How to help mental health from worsening? 10 simple ways

Seek immediate professional help

Take medications strictly as directed

Pay attention to your trigger and warning signs. You need to identify it within you!

Seek help for support and encouragement ( e.g: support groups )

Avoid alcohol and drugs

Stay close connected to friends and family

Always to keep your stress in check. ( breathing and meditations )

Gather knowledge about your ilness and get educated about it

Always make yourself occupied. Keep moving, ( e.g: yoga, aerobics etc)

Depression. Why we don’t owe anyone an explanation.

Here’s the thing about people with good hearts. They give you excuses when you don’t explain yourself. They accept apologies you don’t give. And you wonder why they’re the most sensitive people. You wonder why they’re the most caring people- Najwazebian

You see, everybody has their own story of struggle kept somewhere deep in their heart. We don’t show it like it’s a physical pain. We don’t owe anyone an explanation why we are depressed.

  • I often get questions from my fellow friends. And it sounds like this ” Is there any particular reason for you to be depressed? “, ” Is Housemenship really hard for you?”, “what make you so depress? you look fine?” etc

Let me share just a fraction of my story that lead to my depression.

( remember, this is just a fraction of my story, i went through so many other things and its confidential exceptional to my psychiatrist herself. )

I have the most wonderful mother that gave birth to me 27 years ago. She lost her own mother at a very young age to cancer and yet she manage to pour all her love to her only two daughters. In year 2007 back when i was in highschool she was diagnosed in HUKM with a benign tumor on her optic nerve. She had one procedure done through the nose. And realized it was a solid tumor. So they couldn’t removed it completely.

As years, passed my parents split up and my father remarried. My mums eyesight became worse. She couldnt do even simple task because she just can see very well despite on glasses.

While my mum was busy with her court cases with my father. Little did she know, her tumor was growing big as ever on her optic nerve. A MRI was done in Hospital Tengku Permaisuri Bainun, Ipoh . She was diagnosed with an Optic Nerve Mengiomas that was pressing on exactly at the optic chiasm. They are rare benign neoplasm.

As noted above, letting the tumor grow was not an option as she would have other risks of paralyze etc. So we decided to go for a surgical that we feared the most. I still remember that day very well. It was a long 10 hours operation. Unfortunately they underestimated the solid tumor and couldn’t save the optic nerve. Seeing my mum skull cracked open by surgeons is truly a heartbreaking moment for any child.

The surgery went well, but they couldn’t remove the tumor 100% completely. She recovered well afterward , but


Yes, they could’nt save the nerve. She went complete blind bilaterally. She had hallucinations for the first few months. And it breaks my heart and it shattered to pieces. I miss those day where we used to spend time together shopping and do girl and daughter stuff. Now, she cant even watch cinema. It took me a while to accept and learned how to take care of a disabled person.

It breaks my heart seeing her unable to cope well with her other senses that left. It breaks my heart when she couldn’t find her toothbrush in the washroom, It breaks my heart seeing her walking and getting lost around the house, it breaks my heart seeing her not able to do activities she used to do, it breaks my heart seeing her walk with her stick and still bump into things and people. It breaks my heart that she will never ever witness her two beautiful daughters wedding one day. I wish i could give the world to her. I slowly cry next to her without her knowing because i dont want to make her upset.

Here lies a point that i’m trying to deliver. Depression is not a simple stress. It’s something that has embedded in our very soul and left a deep scar that it goes beyond our mind control and pain threshold. It left you a scar that leads a chemical unbalance in our brain. Thus, leaving us symptoms of depression. Suicide if not treated.

There are people who are smiling out there. But its just their mask they’ve learned years to wear just so that we don’t affect the people around. They are people who were raped, sexually abused, went through domestic violence, bullied in school or workplace, inability to accept failure, marriage failure, lost of loved ones, choosen a career that is forcibly done like prostitution just to support family, stuck in a gambling effect, child of divorced parents, suffering from critical illness, inherit genetic of psychiatric disorders, substance abuse such as alcohol or drugs etc.

These people are fragile. All they need is support to go through the burden they’ve been carrying their whole life.

My advice is, never judge a person by its cover. Never underestimated what they have gone through . Things are never just simple as the ‘STRESS” you think we are going through.

Here’s a song for you loved ones

credits to my favourite band Sleeping At Last.

How rare and beautiful it is to even exist.

HELP GUIDE. Immediate actions in suicidal.

This post is specifically for you and your loved ones.

I could’nt fall asleep for 3 days straight despite on quarter clonazepam, despite forcibly pushing my limits to complete tasks just so that i could fall asleep. Last week i had a relapse. My symptoms worsened after that episode. My tremors got worsened after a previous episode of swallowing 10 lorazepam on an attempt of suicide. I got hysterical and impulsive and spent a long dreadful night in Hospital Serdang ED. They injected midazolam to calm me down. Prior to arriving to the hospital , i slit my forearms multiples till it bled. If you ask me how did it felt? I have to be honest. It felt good. It felt like i was distracting my invisible pain. I tried to jump out of the car wishing that i could just die on the way to the hospital. My sister was there to ensure the car was safe. She was doing all she could to save me and i will never forget. But i what i’ve learned after that was much more precious. I woke up and see things more clearly.

I know whoever is reading this right now. It’s tough. Its hard. I know. It’s difficult to love yourself. There’s no way out. When people speak and reach out to you your mind just shut down.

So my advice is take a deep breath, listen to your small positive voice. Remind yourself what could happen if i’d really die today? No one know hows afterlife really is. Distract your mind!

1. Give yourself time, atleast 24 hours.

Our mind doesn’t really work well at that present moment. It is shallow. Too shallow you cant think of any other solution. So spare yourself some time.

2. Direct call line for yourself or your friend!

There is help , there is hope, you are not alone. They are people that are available for 24/7. Please direct call your respective country suicide lifeline.

3. Dont hesitate to reach out to your phone and call the person you can give your whole trust to

Be vulnerable. Tell them you are feeling suicidal. As the friend, be a good listener, do not judge, or give advice or opinions. Just your undivided attention. A suicidal would NOT want to be alone, advised or interrogate. Just give them a warm hug. Tell them you are there for them no matter what. ​​

4. As for teen, never underestimate of shrug of any threat they make when they say they are suicidal.

Remember, whatever you say at that time matters to them!. Beware of the red flags. E.g : I doing just fine, i feel better off if i leave the world. i dont like to exist, you dont have to worry about me anymore after this, seeking lethal things like razors, pills, writing poems about death , sentiments to hurt or kill oneselve, preparing wills, giving away personal beloved belongings etc.

5. Store and keep away all dangerous items around, Guns, razors, knives, pills etc out of their sight untill the crisis is over.

A suicidal person will do whatever it takes to end his life when he really wants it.

6. Adding your protective factors!

Find a reason for you to stay. For you to keep going. Anything!


1- Religion. If you are a practicing muslim, you would know the syaitan duty’s is to mislead the following of Adams that one will never grant jannah if commited suicide.

2- Parents. Mother or Father or any guardian that raised you . Imagine how heartbroken they will be if you were to leave them.

3- Loved ones. Your spouse, you childrens, any of your family members.

4- Achievements. Its doesnt matter if its small or big. Would you willing to leave all that behind?

A song for you loved ones

Introduction. Are you feeling suicidal? Ways to cope. How to get yourself out of it.

Whats going on in a person with suicidal thoughts

“I’m feeling despair”, ” there’s not way out”, ” I should just die “, ” I I wish I didn’t not exist at all “,” I cant this take this no longer “, ” I want to end this pain” etc

These are our thoughts. For those who don’t understand why people have such ideation. It’s simple actually. We feel like we cant think any other way of solution than suicide. But its rather than you are unable to see the solution now because our mind is to overwhelmed,. When we are in despair or depress all we think of is how to make it stop. Our mind are too shallow to think at that present moment. Hence, we decide to choose our last resort which is suicidal.

If you are going through this or have any loved ones going through it, PLEASE beware of the signs. Do not judge them, they are not doing this for ATTENTION!. REACH OUT TO THEM AND HELP!

Many maybe wondering what could possible lead to someones suicidal. Believe it could be as a result of anything. It’s Multifactorial cause. One could be binging on alchol or drugs, death of a loved ones, marriage failure, bankcruptcy, chronic illness, miscarriages, divorce, undesired body weight, bullying on school or workplace, over achiever, fear of failing in life and career etc. It could be anything! So never judge them. They’re problem might be small or big we never know. IT DOES NOT MATTER! All that matters is that they need professional help.

There are several psychiatric disorders that comorbids too in suicidal ideation.

Following are risk and have chances in committing suicide.

Please go to my next post for tips on immediate action.

Effect of depression on your life.What to expect . Unexpected coping techniques .How to tackle

I had these thoughts not a while ago. I realized there are some things you just cannot control. I’d like to share some important things that i discovered through my journey of recovery.

1. The Friends

You will loose a couple or maybe few friends. But don’t worry, its not neither your fault or them. I know, depression makes you feel like isolating or maybe to the extend you wont be able to socialize how you used to. I used to just sit down and fake a smile or laugh. But it’s okay. To your friends, they might think you are not a fun person to hang out with anymore. They will stop inviting you to parties or any events. You will start feeling left out and more isolating. Just always keep in mind, not everybody truly understands what is going on with a depression.

Only the true friends will notice there is changes in you and they will try their best to reach out to you no matter how many phone calls you have rejected. Open up yourselve to this kind of people. Trust them. Dont be ashame to open up to them. They will be the light to your recovery. Remember, friends are important as part of recovery.

” Its not about the quantity of friends you have but quality”

In time, you will learn whos willing to stay at the time you are at your lowest.

2- Seeing a psychiatrist doesnt solve your problem you may think.

I know. You’re tired. Its best to be transparent to your attending psychitrist. Most importantly during your conversation is to update every single changes or improvement. Makes no space for self worry. They wont judge you . They are there to help you. Be sure to know what exactly is your problem. When you deliver the right problem,its easier for them to tackle and help you get the optimised treatment. Like an example, patient comes in with an exact clear thoughts of what is bothering him. In return, it makes its easier for your attending to help you.

3 Be Enable to recognize your trigger and problems.

This is tough i must say. Even for me. Know what gives you relapses. Take a pen and write it down. Brainstorm all.the possibilities of your triggers. After this step, try to avoid them . Slowly your mind will begin to start changing from negative thoughts to positive. Lets take an example, someone comes to you and say ” why cant you just stop thinking negative”. The first step is to always remind yourself that your ilness is invisible. They cant see physical pain on you. Instead just keep reminding yourself ” nahh they dont and will never understand”. Try and learn to walk away from the conversation . In time you will learn how to tackle and find a solution that you can apply to every of your trigger.

4. Keep your body occupied! Do not let your mind to get creative in a negative way.

“Small but rewarding” . This is what my psychiatrist told me. This small words gave so much change to me and helped me recover in many ways. You can do big things if you want, things that normally makes you happy. It doesn’t need to expensive. Try to recall your old hobbies. Find something you can sustain for everyday activites. For me it was karaoke. I love singing . I know it sounds crazy. I mean, who goes to ktv in 10am in the morning ?. Cheap i must say. Nevertheless, if its something rewarding for you. Go for it. Do it at your best but don’t ever set a high expectation or else you’ll end up dissapointed and more depressed. Remember you are worthy, everything you do is already the best for you . We are human, we have our flaws and weakness. Lets say if the things you do are expensive or maybe you need a partner for it. Try something normal. Like going for a jog, doing house chores, sightseeing, adding essential oils and candles to your house etc. Add in some varities to it . For an example, today i’d like smell lavendar. Tomorrow lets try a different essential oil

Remember YOLO? Yes, we only live once. Make every single day the best of it. Learn its beauty.

5. You will feel bored and empty. Especially since all your friends are working or going to school. Your mc will long enough so make the best out of it by living in it the most.

Tips: List out atleast 3 top thing you would want to accomplish the next day. The best is before going to bed.

E.g : 1- Showering, 2- Tidy up your bed, 3- Jogging? Hiking?

Remember, it doesn’t have to nessessarily be expensive or require a lot of people.


6. Stop thinking that your friends will always check on your wellbeing!. Remember they have their own life and responsibilities too. Take a stand.

“I’m worthless”,  “my friends don’t never come and find me”, “i’m not good a socializing”, “i’, scared i’ll get triggered” etc

Trust me. Staying in your own safety cacoon doesn’t not help you to recover. Make a habit to make calls or even a small texts. You’ll be suprise how much people care about you once you let your self a little vulnerable to them. Don’t worry about triggers. Try to manage on that side. Once you can control your mind, you will stop feeling isolating yourself and feel like going out more often.

7. Demotivated. Yes, sometimes we do feel demotivated when we feel like we arent going anywhere with this.

Tips: Set a goal or an achievement. Remember DO NOT put high expectation. The aim is to just bring you out and make you feel more alive and that life is worth living.

As mentioned above, i like singing. In fact i loved a lot of hobbies. This time i set my goal. I wanted to be good in the songs i like to sing in karaoke. So i try to practice and find the right vocal range of songs that suits my voice. I do admit, sometimes i feel demotivated when i cant reach they key that i wanted. But, its okay. We are already doing our best. Remember, we are rewarding ourselves.

Broken clouds. This is my depression story.

I hope my post could save lives or atleast reach out to people who are struggling like me.

Its something vulnerable i’d like to share and kept personal for a long time.

It’s dark and its continuously getting darker
Its quiet till all words seems to cease to exist
No, it does not feel like stab nor a shooting pain, but its like a malaise that grasp every single strand of fiber that runs in your body. It consumes you, you feel tired and sleepy.

Few years ago, a stranger held my hand and said ‘ i see sadness in you, how are your parents doing and how are you coping? ‘ i know you’ll think why would i believe such words from a stranger , he barely knows me. And it wasn’t like i was carrying sad grimaces wherever i go. I do put on a smile on my face from time to time. He wasn’t asking for anything from me, clearly i had nothing but a bag filled with clothes. But i could see how he really meant to say those message to me. I do not believe in fortune tellers as its against my religion but everything he said was absolutely right. He opted me for writing, its therapeutical he said. Lastly he just wish me luck in life and wisdom.

Little did i know i was tearing up a little bit and cried through out my train journey. For some unfathomable reason, i took a piece of this old men advice. Not many people know me. But people who does, knows that i can be very deep when it comes to emotion. I tend to always see things a different view. And somehow my life is always filled with events. Each events that played a role of shaping who am i today. I tend to mask any sadness i have and turn to do to something i think i love to do. So i opted few hobbies along the way like painting, singing ,sports, cooking. I wasn’t good or great in any of it but i do know that it was enough to make me feel full. There’s always somehow something new i would try to learn.

Anyways, as said by the old man . My tears bottled up through out the years. I manage to keep things in content. Only a handful of people that knows that i’m crashing. I made some mistakes and bad choices . For years and years i lived in denial. I was refusing to believe that i had this horrible thing in me. Just because i was a medical student, i thought i would understand and tackle it better than any other normal person that struggles it too.

The pain was constant, it wasn’t like intermittent thing. You know, like a toothache that keeps throbbing and pounding. It only becomes clear after countable events and realized you have reached your breakdown limit. There’s always a fine line in every breakdown point. And this was mine . It came and slowly ate me.

I kept quiet because keeping a straight face seems like a better and faster way to mask all what I’m feeling. It gets difficult to explain to people sometimes because no one will fully understand what i am going through is


The stigma is there yes in our society.

You may ask , what exactly is making you stress and sad? Can you just try and flip your mind and stop thinking negative?

My doctor told me, its alright . You don’t need to make people understand. Sometimes the greatest mind do not understand too.
Some may say it’s because of your lacking in faith and the distant you put between yourself and god. Some would just simply say that you are lazy.

The fear of being judged left depression to engulf me wholly that it left me crippled. I left everything i loved to do and realized hadn’t been genuinely smiling for a long time and find myself crying and getting emotional over little things. I kept my circle of friends smaller. I can literally count how many are there left. Staying in this small cacoon that i created made me feel safer somehow. I felt like happiness has been stripped of from me. I can hardly laugh to any jokes or memes. No sense of humor could entertain me, i was


Being a medical student at that time help me nothing but realize that depression is real. It followed me almost everywhere i go, when i watch movies, when i take a shower, or even when im talking to a friend. The only relief that i could find was in my sleep. It was the only way that calms the voices in my mind and isolate myself from the harsh truth of reality. There is something special about sleeping in the midst of depression. Its like an escape window to somewhere you wish to be.

Well, day comes after night of course. Reality wakes you up, you have chores to do, work, social and any normal routine that a normal human person is accustomed to do. I feel like I’m trapped with all exits are sealed and there is no way out. Its a dark tunnel, an empty abyss. My knees are trembling , voices are telling me to take a leap.

Rainbows that used to seem colourful looks pretty dull and dim to my eyes. I just don’t see the world the same like others anymore.

Eventually i just got TIRED.

Physically tired too, fatigued most of the time. Waking up in the morning was the hardest task to accomplish. I don’t even know why bathing is so difficult to accomplish either. Feels like you were assign to climb the peak of mount everest. You’re pouring every inch of your energy into it. And once you’re done you feel like have just a tiny amount of faith to carry on the rest of your day. Sooner or later i found myself having trouble sleeping too, or sleeping too much. My sleeping cycle is a mess. Along with my depression came along another friend called anxiety. It defines the whole depression.

It made it WORSE.

It took it to another level. I did not want to go to bed because i am not ready to go through another day . I’m still breathing because i survived today somehow. Im eating but food seems tasteless sometimes. I find myself eating a salad or a bun only through the day just enough to keep me alive. I just don’t have any motivation . Even to the extend chewing up and swallowing my food. Everything i do makes me tired. Its draining and wrenching my body. I cancel out appointments or going anywhere with friends or answering phone calls.

I never fully understood back then why people took their own lives.
Why cant people just be happy and grateful with everything they have ? Some people are blessed with wealth, fame , success..but they are still not happy . My doctor told depression could be a result of anything . Mine was just series of events that accumulated.

I realized pain has a certain threshold, it could reach a point where sometimes you cant think yourself out it no matter how powerful your mind are. It goes beyond your medication too. Its a point where all my breathing practices or meditation becomes useless. Or maybe i wasn’t doing it right ?

Physical pain is much easier to deal with. ( i am not going to include what i have done to myself as it is confidential). Counting the affected years, i realized how accustomed i have become to this depression. It changed me a lot. After an untreated struggle, somehow a diagnosis brought me a relief.

I’m a trainee doctor , but im afraid to call myself so. The only person that i wish to save is myself.

Did you know?Close to 800 000 people die due to suicide every year, which is one person every 40 seconds. Suicide is a global phenomenon and occurs throughout the lifespan- WHO

Thanks for joining me!

Are you feeling down? Anxious? Depressed? Demotivated? Tired? for no absolute reason? Worry no more. You are not alone. You’re welcome to share your stories here too. Together we could help ourselves and our loved ones.